An (often more effective) alterative to compassionate self-talk is self-touch. It can help us to be there for ourselves in a caring, supportive way, at a level much deeper than words.
Exercise: kind self-touch
Evoke and observe a difficult emotion like you did in the chapter before this one. Take one of your hands, palm upward, and see if you can fill this hand with a sense of kindness. Now rest this hand gently on your body, either on top of the feeling or on top of your heart.
See if you can send that kindness inward—a sense of warmth and support, flowing into you. Hold yourself kindly and gently. Connecting with yourself, caring for yourself, offering comfort and support.
Alternatively, you might like to experiment with some of the following options:
- placing both hands on your chest or your tummy,
- hugging yourself gently with or without gently stroking your arms,
- gently massaging an area of tension or tightness, or
- holding your face in your hands with or without massaging your temples.
Exercise: urge surfing
Like waves, urges start off small, steadily increase, reach a peak, and drop off. When urges show up, we usually respond with by giving into or resisting them. While urge surfing, we do neither; instead, we open up and make room for them.
An urge ‘wave’ usually lasts about three minutes when we do not resist them but let them be. When we fight with them, ruminate about them, worry about them, try to distract ourselves, or try to push them away they can last much longer.
Urge surfing is very similar to the practice for taming your emotions:
- Take note. Notice and name the urge. Where do you feel it most in your body?
- Allow. Give your urge permission to be there.
- Make room. Open up to the urge; allowing it to freely rise, peak, and fall in its own good time.
- Expand awareness. Broaden your awareness to the rest of your body, and then also the world around you.
The main difference with the TAME technique is that we imagine the urge as a wave; watching it with curiosity as it rises, crests, and subsides.
