Painful feelings tell us that we care. They arise when the reality we have does not match with the reality we would like. This chapter will focus on the sensation-component of our emotions. Before learning to unhook from them, we need some preparation.
Preparation task 1: get clear on your motivation
Your motivation to unhook from painful sensations should not arise from a desire to experience pleasant sensations or get rid of unpleasant ones. Your goal should be to engage in toward moves to improve your life over the long-term.
Look at the answers you gave to the questions from chapter 10. Do they motivate you enough that you are willing to face the uncomfortable? If not, further reflect on them until they do.
Preparation task 2: choose your degree of difficulty
You can apply unhooking skills to any emotion, urge, or sensation, no matter how small. Do not begin with ones that overwhelm you, then gradually, work up to bigger ones later.
Preparation task 3: expect your mind to interfere
Your mind will not help you in what you are about to attempt. It will throw distractions, judgement, or rationalisations that prompt you not to do that for which you set out. Be ready for this. Do not try to push these thoughts away, but (thankfully) observe them instead.
Preparation task 4: be ready to drop anchor
Make sure you have decided on your anchor and to have it ready. Although we should not need it (since we start small), you should have it in case you get overwhelmed nonetheless.
Preparation task 5: contact a difficult feeling
Try to evoke a difficult feeling. You can do this by…
- vividly recalling a (not too) painful memory,
- recalling an unpleasant upcoming event, or
- dwell, for a minute or so, on a major problem you are currently facing.
Tame your emotions
Once you are ready with a difficult feeling, you can close your eyes and start to practice ‘taming your emotions.’ Taming your emotions or urges always follows the same, 4-step process.
- Take note. Notice what (1) you are doing: how you are sitting, breathing, what you are touching… notice how (2) you feel throughout your body, and (3) where you feel the emotion or urge most clearly. Then, take a moment to name what you are feeling.
- Allow. Give your feeling permission to be there.
- Make room. Breathe into the feeling: imagine your breath flowing into and around what you feel. Then open up around the feeling, make space for it (rather than squeezing in on it). As you continue to observe this feeling, also open up to any feeling underneath it. Conceive the feeling as an object inside of you what is its shape, colour, form, or substance?
- Expand awareness. Now expand your awareness beyond the emotion. How does your body feel? What can you notice around you?
It is up to you to decide which of the above suggestions you find most helpful in each step, as well as the order by which you like to go through them. The book has a host of extra questions and pointers you can use in each step.
Throughout each day, practice making room with a range of different feelings—both strong and mild, pleasant, and unpleasant. Each time you TAME an emotion; it is a step toward the life you want.
Learning from your emotions
Once you have gone through the steps, you can take a minute to tap into the ‘wisdom’ of your emotion. To do so, ask yourself two simple questions:
- What does this emotion tell me I care about?
- What does it suggest I need to attend to?
There will not always be an answer or a wisdom to share, so do not try to force out an answer.
